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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 24, 2016 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org seconds. this happened on twitter! they're looking for a new bond, james bond. and anderson -- gillian anderson -- has thrown her hat -- james hat -- into the ring -- james ring! gillian anderson tweeted out this fan-made photoshop on saturday, and said she would be down to play 007 now that daniel craig is done walking out of the ocean and getting hit in the balls with ropes. and predictably, the internet lost its (/ bleep/ ) -- james (/ bleep/ ). suggested this blunt for the roll. james blunt. no it's emily blunt. different person.
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i would support the campaign, mix it up. who cares. i'd love to see a woman's take -- why not. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know a female -- why not. have fun with it. if you have a problem with it, you can [beep] my [beep]. comedians, 007 flicks are known for their spy gadgets. as q, i would like you to explain a gadget to the new female james bond. jessica, go. >> pay other tension 007, this body suit is made to make you look 15 pounds heavier. when you wear it, you will be invisible. >> chris: alright. >> pay attention 007 this. is your pay check. it's 73 percent what had we
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would pay a man. [laughing] >> chris: rhys. >> pay attention 007. [laughing] >> chris: why do i get the feeling you're auditioning for the roll right now. >> i am. >> i'm use mig own voice. pay attention 007. this is a ufo, a uninformed for iforeign object. code name rhys. get as close as you can. be warned he's a killer on the dance floor. >> chris: if i'm casting the movie you got my vote. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for "@midnight!" captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to "@midnight."
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i'm chris hardwick. tonight we have three cast members from "wrecked," series premiere tuesday june 14th on tbs. she plays florence, it's jessica lowe. [cheers and applause] >> chris: she plays emma, it's ginger gonzaga. [cheers and applause] >> chris: he plays steve, also from "hunt for the wilderpeople" in theaters june 24th, it's rhys darby. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think we should start the program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." here is a list of trending topics with a secret message that only zack in montpelier, vermont will understand.
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tpo *eg he had new netjizz original series. spring is a season of renewal and rebirth when flowers bloom, cars swerve around baby ducklings, and we clean out our browser history of all that winter porn. that's the porn where they're harrier. it's also when the tv networks announce their new fall lineups, including the porn site xhamster! >> wow. chris: don't act like you don't know what it is. don't sit there and be like i better not pretend to recognize. they have a new series called "the sect factor." this is a reality show and hopefully simon won't come out and yell at you while you're [beep] someone. get your ass higher. i don't believe it it's a no scripted show where 16 porn star wannabes compete in events like "orgasm faking" and "competitive blow jobs" for a chance to win $1 million. it's kind of like "who wants to be a millionaire" except you
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don't have to jack off to regis. >> i is that your final orgasm r would you like to phone a friend. >> nice. contestants will be mentored by veteran porn stars...and each episode, they'll kick off the weakest stink. too much? comedians, what's a catchy line the judges can say when they eliminate a contestant from "the sex factor?" >> thank you, so much. we just want to be friends. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: rhys. >> this is actually difficult for me, i wanted to say you're through to the next mound -- you're not. you're [beep]. [beep] off. >> chris: points. jessica. >> we love to watch you come, we hate to see you go. on lawrence's chest, get out of
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here. >> chris: points. >> chris: next: give elsa a girlfriend. ever since "frozen" came out and blew kids' minds with its catchier-than-cooties music, adults have been speculating about queen elsa's sexuality. of course they. have of course they have. i think adults have speculated really hard. after all, she's not interested in male suitors, she sings about keeping her real emotions hidden, and she is super into construction. [laughing] >> chris: so for "frozen 2", fans want disney to give queen elsa a lady love to let it go with it. the hashtag "give elsa a girlfriend" movement, was started by a 17-year old blogger and even the voice of elsa, idina menzel, chimed in with her support. so it looks like "frozen 2" could be a charming lesbian love story, though no word who will voice the couple's matching french bulldogs. [ applause ] comedians, since this twitter -- i think it's an awesome idea
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they should totally do it. why wouldn't they. i would like another fictional character and hashtag them. >> yes. the triplets. >> chris: points. rhys darby. [laughing] >> someone #someone call a uber for bill bo. >> chris: that's the end of "rapid refresh" and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. across the country, college students are moving on to bigger and better debts. but first, they get to experience the spectacle of graduation, where everyone puts on discount harry potter robes and packs into an auditorium with malfunctioning air conditioning. and the highlight of these festivities is the celebrity speakers who come to impart wisdom like "follow your dreams" and "be born really good looking."
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so to honor this annual tradition of a-listers meeting a-achievers, tonight's hashtag is #collegecelebs examples: "sean penn state", "dining hall and oates" and "the artist formally known as -- 60 seconds on the clock. begin. >> ole missy elliot. chris: perfect. >> kim and kanye's daughter north western. >> chris: points. rhys. >> lady di and a balcony collapse. >> chris: something that happens in college. you see lady di there for some reason. rhys. >> dick van di and the balcony collapse. >> chris: i don't know what -- no points. points. >> dick van dyke for a week business college. >> chris: points. ginger. >> robert downey jr. college. chris: points.
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>> i got one. chris: yes. >> kate let me know when you stop [beep]ing so i can come back to the room. >> chris: points. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #collegecelebs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @koolaid689. oh ya!
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one of the cool perks of this place is you can eat as much cereal as you want. it's like i'm going to work to get some. alrighty. we just like cereal. we make it, eat it, love it, live it. (laughing) and now in delicious chocolate. "daddy doing work",d it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy. macbooks are not able to do that. "hey cortana, remind me we have a play date tomorrow at noon" i need that in my world. anything that makes my life easier, i'm using. and windows is doing that. hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale.
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crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." next week, i'm hitting the road on my "id10t" tour! it's all new jokes. i'll be in sayreville, new jersey on june 2nd, atlantic city on june 3rd, huntington, new york on june 4th and a bunch of other cities. go to id10ttour.tumblr.com. for information on tickets, as well as info about upcoming dates. now it's time to play commercial failure: vroom vroom edition. in the pantheon of hilariously bad local commercials, few are hilariouser and badder than those for local car dealerships. thanks to youtube, we can cringe at the ads from cities around the country! comedians, i'm going to show you a bad-tastic car dealership ad
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and, for 250 points, you're going to answer questions about them. first up, the gangsta rap of cecil myers. [laughing] >> my name is cecil. i will tell you again. cars own my lot. come find a car, we will do our part. i'm the dealer with a heart. [cheers and applause] >> i think we would all hit that. >> chris: what do you call that dance he's doing? >> a cry for help. chris: points. >> chris: next one, this russian car commercial that's also a "gangnam style" parody! you're welcome.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: i want to wake up to that every morning. that guy going like this. [laughing] >> right. chris: i don't know what it is, it's amazing. what style is this, rhys? >> who let the dickhead out. [laughing] >> chris: points. ginger. >> my country doesn't allow me to be gay, this is how i express myself. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: next, this boy band pre-owned cars! -- who loves the ladies and pre-owned cars. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: the cute one and the dangerous one. which one is this guy? rhys. >> the one who buys teenagers beers to hang out at their parties. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> this is the one that hasn't seen dick in six years. >> chris: where did it go. >> chris: finally, another in a long line of truly bizarre commercials featuring gary busey. >> the hottest sale of the summer! that just ain't right. tell them gary september you, you will get a better deal. [cheers and applause] >> i don't even remember shooting this. [laughing] >> chris: what's gary's other catchphrase? jessica? >> as i always say, car stands for cats aren't real.
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flippy cat creatures are infiltrating our minds. now i'm get north personal elevator. >> chris: points. kp-rbd >> chris: that's the end of commercial failure: vroom vroom edition. >> it's time for our live edition. moms on the net. there was a time when moms are even less efficient on-line. before preupbtrest the internet was a intimidating place. luckily educational gals made a video to help out. >> are you on the internet? >> techno geeks with spread spreadsheets? >> no you need the power. >> okay what the heck is the net. >> imagine the internet like a giant october ow october octopus
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own. >> chris: the only way this could be more 90s if i hosted boy meets girl on "singled out." >> what? chris: let it happen. help moms explain the internet in your own video. we will have your answers when we return on ♪ out here there is no me and no you, there is only us. ♪ and occasionally them. ♪ but then we turn this way, and it's just us again. ♪ t-mobile does data, differently.
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who don't have access thto basic banking,on people but that is changing. at temenos, with the microsoft cloud, we can enable a banker to travel to the most remote locations with nothing but a phone and a tablet. everywhere where there's a phone, you have a bank. now a person is able to start a business,
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and employ somebody for the first time. the microsoft cloud helped us to bring banking to ten million people in just two years. it's transforming our world.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you a clip from "moms on the net." >> chris: --and i asked you to help them out by making your own video about what the internet is. let's see what you came up with. ginger, let's start with you. >> there is a secret called private bruising. in case you want to do a search for something a little naughty. like a shirt less pick or cupcake recipe fuzz want to cheat on your diet. or man will kill husband and make it look like an accident. you can finally get the ded he said you wouldn't get because a woman who uses her brain is unfit to be loved.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: rhys, you're next. >> hello, welcome to the latest. it's the internet systems. brand new. three computer machines all over the world. one in the west. one in a bad area. one in -- deep inside the egyptian pyramid. trolls send evil messages to each other to fight for likes. and the monitoring guard enubus sends out cats from a laser beam inside a pyramid. it deflects itself. women with dancing bottoms can bounce off the beams and score likes. enjoy it. >> oh my god. [cheers and applause] >> he's like banging a goat the whole time.
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>> chris: yes. i don't think -- [ applause ] >> chris: the definition of the internet, perfect. jessica. >> thanks to the internet you can see who thinks you're a dumb slut anytime of day. oh, boy, i got another dick pic. that's five today. oh, this one is uncut he must be french. join the fever. [ applause ] >> thanks internet. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. a thousand points to jessica. 500 to rhys, 250 to ginger. is >> chris: it's time for swipecasting: billboard music awards edition. the billboard music awards were last night, and steven tyler rocked the red carpet with a
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look i like to call "heroin hamburglar." if you were to open tinder at these awards, you'd have the chance to make it with a music superstar, or a least a lesser jonas brother. comedians, i'm going to show you someone nominated for a billboard music award last night and you tell me why you're swiping left or right. for the noobs, right is "yes!" the left is "don't touch me." first up: mumford and sons. >> swipe left. i want to be the only person who cries during sex. >> chris: points. >> chris: next: taylor swift. rhys. >> i was going to swipe, right. but she is so swift she got away. >> chris: oh, no. >> chris: next: bono. rhys. >> swipe left i was going to swipe right but he wouldn't stop talk about the aides.
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[laughing] kp-rbd. >> chris: talking about it. [ applause ] >> chris: next: the rolling stones. ginger i think swipe left, because i'm not into elder abuse. i'm -- i'm very aggressive lover. very aggressive. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of swipecasting: billboard music awards edition. ginger, i'm so sorry -- >> what i was so close. chris: i apologize. any last words. >no but hopefullywould you swip. chris: excellent. >> chris: that means it's time to paint the town red... it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] >> chris: hi, i'm chris hardwick a man. i'm here to talk to you about a revolutionary new way to track your period.
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sure tampons are great. don't you wish they were blasting your body with wifi or the jifi we call it it's the my flow smart tampon. a tampon that's smarter than another tampon. this isn't your grandma mays tampon. she wouldn't have one. now an app and a transmitter to tell you important period stuff like when your flow begins and ends, duration, heaviness, and when your husband is really starting to get on your goddamn nerves. comedians, what's a text you might get from a computerized bluetooth tampon? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." [cheers and applause]
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here's how it feels to getave amerfifty percent off mostork. national carrier rates too. ♪ so, imagine how it feels to switch to sprint and buy an iphone 6s and get another one free when you add a second line. canredd's apple ale!ome beers? ♪ [ "stay" by lisa loeb ] redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in blueberry. [ song continues ] at the point of my life when i'm not a kid anymore. now that i have finally have freedom to define who i am. i hereby agree to be bound to you. to let you decide how i spend my money. to let you set my boundaries. and to come running the instant you snap your fingers.
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with this contract, i relinquish part of my freedom to you. there's a contract in every cigarette. when you light up, you sign up. don't let tobacco control you. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you about a "smart tampon" that uses bluetooth technology, and asked you to write a text you might receive from your tampon. let's see what you wrote! time to try anal for a week. [cheers and applause] [laughing] [laughing] >> chris: or ... chris, i can't believe you stooped to the level of ending your show on a period gag.
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what would your mother say somewhere i will text her in the bush. number one, who is number one? jessica lowe. congratulations you won the internet. please text my mother's bush when you get a chance. tomorrow night when our guests hodgman and fozzie bear. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #collegecelebs and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. goodnight! ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled]
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